I guess I want to blame late-20th century after-school programming for convincing a very impressionable and stupid young me that my work and by extension, my life required a very specific purpose, something to tether me to society at large and make me feel like my individual, miniscule contributions could be elevated by a sense of something greater than myself.
Yeah, yeah, it IS Full House’s fault that I came to identify value in vocation in a way that intrinsically monetized fulfilment. I am because I do and I do what I love because it’s my calling.
Only, what the fuck do I actually do? Is my life’s purpose really a punishing daily commute and an 8 hour emailing marathon with some aimless social media yelling thrown in to breakup the monotonous routine? Is this what they meant by, “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life?” Maybe I actually don’t love anything! Maybe I’m the only person on earth who hates all work, who knows? Who am I? What am I? WHY AM I?
Does that sound unhinged? I’m not unhinged at all, I promise. But I am feeling more, idk, existential than usual? Which perhaps isn’t saying much, because if you know me then you know that my perennial resting state is: yelling into the void.
But something about moving to London has cracked open another layer of questioning routine. Now that I’ve already blown up my entire life once, what’s to stop me from constantly reinventing what I want? Why should you ever settle for what you perceive to be right? On the other hand, how can you know what’s right if you’re always chasing a new normal? Wow, see what I mean - new levels of wtf!
Anyway, I know most newsletters like this would now offer some kind and tepid wisdom, a gentle affirmation you can relate to and then throw away but I personally hate being given unsolicited advice (because I’m a scorpio) (jk it’s prob a mental illness?)
But instead I leave you with, is there purpose in finding purpose or does it just put off the simple pleasure of merely existing? I would genuinely love to know if other people (you?) love your work and why. Does it feel like what you were meant to do? Do you have secret fantasies of burning your laptop and running away to a bunker? Or is this all a load of bollocks and daily rides on the tube at rush hour have actually broken me?***
***Wow am I the most British person in the world now?
What I’m watching
Bosch
Is this the most middle-aged programming I've ever consumed? Yes. Is it also the most soothing crime procedural currently available for streaming on Amazon Prime? Also yes. On paper, there are maybe a few too many red flags for you to hit play while mindlessly scrolling through your other options. The lead actor has that "guy you've definitely seen before but maybe that's cause he looks a lot like 5 other guys" face and is just pushing the silver fox trope a little too far. Also his name is Hieronymous Bosch which, come the fuck on. But it's also got a heavy-handed LA noir approach with cinematography that elevates the Los Angeles landscape to maximize both its beauty and its brutality. Bosch the detective is actually super likeable and balances the renegade cop cliche with dogged detective very well. There are four seasons currently on Amazon so it's perfect binge-length and I defy you to hate it.